Once Burqa Dutt sitting in the doctor’s office, complaining of incessant gas. She says to the doctor.
“I’ve been having silent farts all day. I had one in the lift, one in church and…um, one right now.”
The doctor replied, “I think you need to get your hearing checked.”
A little old lady walks into Congress Office and asks to make a donation. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for BJP and AAP now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to donate, and the little old lady replies, “Three Crore Rupees.” The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” and the little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it right here in this bag…”
The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of Gandhi notes with big denominations. In light of this highly unusual event, the accounts person excuses herself to get the vice president of the Congress Party involved. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, “Gambling.”
“Gambling?”, he says. “What sort of gambling?”
“Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got Rs. 100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 10:1 odds. You got Rs. 10,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?” The vice president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he thought he didn’t get to be the vice president of the Congress Party without knowing a thing or two about money. “I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you… there’s just no way you could win that bet!” The little old lady just shook the bag and said, “I know what I’m doing… and I can afford to lose! Is it a bet?”
“OK, have it your way”, said the vice president, and they shook hands on it.” See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning”, said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives along with Sagarika Goose, and is escorted to the vice president’s office. The vice president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. “Come in, please have a seat! Why is Sagarika with you?” said the vice president. “She’s my media witness. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?”
“No, perfectly understandable but this is strictly off the record”, said the vice president. “Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily.
“Not so fast!” said the little old lady. “For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please, drop your pants!”
The vice president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. “OK, you win, here’s your Rs. 100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, Sagarika starts banging her head against the wall and moaning.
“What’s wrong with her?” asks the vice president.
“Oh, she’s just upset… sore loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for Rs. 1,000,000 with her that I would have Rahul Gandhi, the VP of Congress by the balls by noon today!”
Burqa Dutt was standing in front of Sonia Gandhi’s residence to cover some news when the a dog starts chasing and attacking a little girl. That’s when a man bravely intervenes, fights with the rabid creature and kills it before it could harm the girl.
Burqa runs to the man and congragulates him on his heroic effort and proudly tells him “Todays headline in my show would be ‘Sonia supporter saves girl’s life’ ” … The man says..”But I am not a Sonia supporter “… Burqa says no problem, I’ll put it as “Congress worker saves girl’s life” . The man then says “No, but I am a BJP worker”.
Burqa says “Oh!” and walks away. 10 minutes later, breaking news flashing on NDTV……………………………………………
“Saffron Terrorist Massacres Innocent Dog”
Robert Vadra was out jogging one day…
When he tripped, and fell over a bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before NSG commandos could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted in return for saving his life. The first kid said, “I want to go to Disney world!” To which Vadra replied, “not a problem, I’ll even fly you there in first class air fare.” The second kid then says, “I want a new ST cricket bat!” “You got it.” Said Vadra. “I’ll even have Tendulkar himself sign it for you.” Then the third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in big screen tv and headset.” Vadra seemed a bit confused at this. “You don’t look like yore handicapped.” He said. To which the kid replied, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning”.
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We?re the same age; We were the
same size as kids. I just don?t get it.”
“Well, ” said the big Croc, “What have you been eating?”
“Politicians, same as you, ” replied the small Croc.
“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Congress Office.”
“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch the m?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their official cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat ?em!”
“Ah!” says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You?re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a Congress Politician, there?s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”
A Dream Come True. One sunny day in May 2014, an old man approached the PM Residence on 10 RCR. He spoke to the Jawan standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with PM Manmohan Singh. “
The Jawan looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Manmohan Singh is no longer PM and no longer resides here. “ The old man said, “Okay” , and walked away.
The following day the same man approached the 10 RCR and said to the same Jawan, “I would like to go in and meet with PM Manmohan Singh.” The Jawan again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Manmohan Singh is no longer PM and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him and again just walked away.
The third day the same man approached the 10 RCR and spoke to the very same Jawan, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with PM Manmohan Singh.” The Jawan, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Manmohan Singh. I’ve told you already that Mr. Manmohan Singh is no longer the PM and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looked at the Jawan and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Jawan snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”
Rahul Gandhi walks in to a barber shop to get his hair cut, Soon after Narendra Modi walks in to get his hair cut. The barbers set to work cutting there hair not talking because they didn’t want to start a political debate.
When the barber finished with Rahul Gandhi’s hair he asked “would you like some cologne?” Rahul Gandhi said “no thank you, my Mom will think I’ve been in a whore house.” The other barber asks Modi the same question to which he replies, “Sure, my Mom doesn’t know what a whore house smells like.”
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rahul Gandhi fans. Not really knowing what a Rahul Gandhi fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different… again. Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Rahul Gandhi fan.” The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Rahul Gandhi?” Johnny said, “Because I’m a BJP supporter.” The teacher asked him why he was a BJP supporter. Little Johnny answered, “Well, my mom is a BJP supporter and my Dad is a BJP supporter, so I am a BJP supporter.”
Annoyed by the answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
With a big smile, little Johnny replied, “That would make me a Rahul Gandhi fan.”
The year is 2001, and it’s post-9/11. The United States is devastated for the tragic event that happened in their country and wants to increase their security. In result, the FBI agrees with recruiting agents in the general public.
Those days Rahul Gandhi was pretending to be studying in the US and was still generally jobless. He hears about this and signs up for FBI. He enters the room and there is a man in a black suit sitting on one side of the table. Rahul Gandhi sits down. The FBI agent says:
“In this test, you be given a picture of a man. I will show you this for 5 seconds and you must describe everything that you remember of this man.”
The agent pulls out a picture. It’s a picture of the side of a man’s face. He puts the picture down.
“What do you remember?” said the FBI agent “Well… that man had one eye!” said Rahul Gandhi. “No no no!” the FBI agent yelled frustrated. “Lets try this again”.
The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man. Then puts it away.
“Now what do you remember?” he said. Rahul Gandhi thought for a while then said. “Um… that man had one ear!”
“No no no! Wrong! I’ll give you one last try”
The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man again.
“NOW what did you see?” said the FBI agent. “Um… That man wears contacts!” said Rahul Gandhi. “Uh.. What?”
The FBI agent pulled out a piece of paper and examined it for 10 minutes.
“Wow! He does wear contacts! I never knew that! How did you know?”
“Well with one eye and one ear, you can’t wear glasses, duh!” ????