Jokes on Rahul Gandhi and His Media Sycophants

Once Burqa Dutt sitting in the doctor’s office, complaining of incessant gas. She says to the doctor.

“I’ve been having silent farts all day. I had one in the lift, one in church and…um, one right now.”

The doctor replied, “I think you need to get your hearing checked.”

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A little old lady walks into Congress Office and asks to make a donation. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for BJP and AAP now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to donate, and the little old lady replies, “Three Crore Rupees.” The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” and the little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it right here in this bag…”

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of Gandhi notes with big denominations. In light of this highly unusual event, the accounts person excuses herself to get the vice president of the Congress Party involved. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, “Gambling.”

“Gambling?”, he says. “What sort of gambling?”

“Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got Rs. 100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 10:1 odds. You got Rs. 10,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?” The vice president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he thought he didn’t get to be the vice president of the Congress Party without knowing a thing or two about money. “I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you… there’s just no way you could win that bet!” The little old lady just shook the bag and said, “I know what I’m doing… and I can afford to lose! Is it a bet?”

“OK, have it your way”, said the vice president, and they shook hands on it.” See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning”, said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives along with Sagarika Goose, and is escorted to the vice president’s office. The vice president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. “Come in, please have a seat! Why is Sagarika with you?” said the vice president. “She’s my media witness. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?”

“No, perfectly understandable but this is strictly off the record”, said the vice president. “Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily.

“Not so fast!” said the little old lady. “For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please, drop your pants!”

The vice president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. “OK, you win, here’s your Rs. 100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, Sagarika starts banging her head against the wall and moaning.

“What’s wrong with her?” asks the vice president.

“Oh, she’s just upset… sore loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for Rs. 1,000,000 with her that I would have Rahul Gandhi, the VP of Congress by the balls by noon today!”

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Burqa Dutt was standing in front of Sonia Gandhi’s residence to cover some news when the a dog starts chasing and attacking a little girl. That’s when a man bravely intervenes, fights with the rabid creature and kills it before it could harm the girl.

Burqa runs to the man and congragulates him on his heroic effort and proudly tells him “Todays headline in my show would be ‘Sonia supporter saves girl’s life’ ” … The man says..”But I am not a Sonia supporter “… Burqa says no problem, I’ll put it as “Congress worker saves girl’s life” . The man then says “No, but I am a BJP worker”.

Burqa says “Oh!” and walks away. 10 minutes later, breaking news flashing on NDTV……………………………………………

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“Saffron Terrorist Massacres Innocent Dog”

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Robert Vadra was out jogging one day…

When he tripped, and fell over a bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before NSG commandos could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted in return for saving his life. The first kid said, “I want to go to Disney world!” To which Vadra replied, “not a problem, I’ll even fly you there in first class air fare.” The second kid then says, “I want a new ST cricket bat!” “You got it.” Said Vadra. “I’ll even have Tendulkar  himself sign it for you.” Then the third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in big screen tv and headset.” Vadra seemed a bit confused at this. “You don’t look like yore handicapped.” He said. To which the kid replied, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning”.

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Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We?re the same age; We were the

same size as kids. I just don?t get it.”

“Well, ” said the big Croc, “What have you been eating?”

“Politicians, same as you, ” replied the small Croc.

“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”

“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Congress Office.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch the m?”

“Well, I crawl up under one of their official cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat ?em!”

“Ah!” says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You?re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a Congress Politician, there?s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”

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A Dream Come True. One sunny day in May 2014, an old man approached the PM Residence on 10 RCR. He spoke to the Jawan standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with PM Manmohan Singh. “

The Jawan looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Manmohan Singh is no longer PM and no longer resides here. “ The old man said, “Okay” , and walked away.

The following day the same man approached the 10 RCR and said to the same Jawan, “I would like to go in and meet with PM Manmohan Singh.” The Jawan again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Manmohan Singh is no longer PM and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him and again just walked away.

The third day the same man approached the 10 RCR and spoke to the very same  Jawan, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with PM Manmohan Singh.” The Jawan, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Manmohan Singh. I’ve told you already that Mr. Manmohan Singh is no longer the PM and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looked at the Jawan and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Jawan snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”

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Rahul Gandhi walks in to a barber shop to get his hair cut, Soon after Narendra Modi walks in to get his hair cut. The barbers set to work cutting there hair not talking because they didn’t want to start a political debate.

When the barber finished with Rahul Gandhi’s hair he asked “would you like some cologne?” Rahul Gandhi said “no thank you, my Mom will think I’ve been in a whore house.” The other barber asks Modi the same question to which he replies, “Sure, my Mom doesn’t know what a whore house smells like.”

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A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rahul Gandhi fans. Not really knowing what a Rahul Gandhi fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different… again. Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Rahul Gandhi fan.” The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Rahul Gandhi?” Johnny said, “Because I’m a BJP supporter.” The teacher asked him why he was a BJP supporter. Little Johnny answered, “Well, my mom is a BJP supporter and my Dad is a BJP supporter, so I am a BJP supporter.”

Annoyed by the answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

With a big smile, little Johnny replied, “That would make me a Rahul Gandhi fan.”

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The year is 2001, and it’s post-9/11. The United States is devastated for the tragic event that happened in their country and wants to increase their security. In result, the FBI agrees with recruiting agents in the general public.

Those days Rahul Gandhi was pretending to be studying in the US and was still generally jobless. He hears about this and signs up for FBI. He enters the room and there is a man in a black suit sitting on one side of the table. Rahul Gandhi sits down. The FBI agent says:

“In this test, you be given a picture of a man. I will show you this for 5 seconds and you must describe everything that you remember of this man.”

The agent pulls out a picture. It’s a picture of the side of a man’s face. He puts the picture down.

“What do you remember?” said the FBI agent “Well… that man had one eye!” said Rahul Gandhi. “No no no!” the FBI agent yelled frustrated. “Lets try this again”.

The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man. Then puts it away.

“Now what do you remember?” he said. Rahul Gandhi thought for a while then said. “Um… that man had one ear!”

“No no no! Wrong! I’ll give you one last try”

The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man again.

“NOW what did you see?” said the FBI agent. “Um… That man wears contacts!” said Rahul Gandhi. “Uh.. What?”

The FBI agent pulled out a piece of paper and examined it for 10 minutes.

“Wow! He does wear contacts! I never knew that! How did you know?”

“Well with one eye and one ear, you can’t wear glasses, duh!” ????

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Clown Prince Rahul Gandhi Getting Married to an Afghan Girl?

The fact that Indian mainstream media is subservient to the Congress is once again reinforced. The Indian media is fully blocking out an important development even while the international media is covering it. It is reported that Rahul Gandhi is preparing to marry his Afghan girlfriend of some royal lineage and Italian upbringing.

Don’t believe us? Check out this report in an Indonesian newspaper.

It is widely known that Rahul Gandhi was earlier going around with his Colombian girlfriend. Sources tell us that Digvijay Singh and Robert Vadra were instrumental in advising Rahul to dump his Colombian GF preferring the Afghan one. The reasoning given by Digvijay Singh is political in nature while Robert Vadra’s reasoning is based on pure economics.

Digvijay Singh is believed to have advised Rahul that if he’s seen to be marrying a Muslim girl, minorities will rally behind him and his secular credentials would soar to such new heights that even Nitish Kumar may support him to be PM after 2014 elections! Although the girl has already converted so Christianity as per the wishes of Sonia Gandhi, this fact is being kept a secret as per Digvijay Singh’s advice.

Robert Vadra is believed to have advised Rahul that the fortunes of Colombian drug lords is dwindling and ‘doing business’ has become very difficult in Colombia because of constant US anti-drug action. While in Afghanistan, the US is about to exit and the Afghan poppy/drug market is expected explode after the US exit. According to Vadra, the family should position itself to exploit this opportunity and what better than marrying an Afghan princess?

Although the mainstream media is blocking all this out (just like it did in Radia tapes), we decided to give you a low down on all this. We decided to hire the services of an ‘eminent’ intelligence expert, Mr. B Raman to dig out all possible information about this girl and her family. Although, he failed to find out her name, he’s provided us with some photographs of this Afghan princess and her family.

Here, for the first time, exclusively on this blog , Rahul Gandhi’s possible future wife :

Rahul Gandhi fiance photo Afghan Princess

Photo of Rahul Gandhi’s Fiance from Afghanistan

If you are wondering how Rahul Gandhi fell for this girl, here’s how she seduced him (B Raman has given us a photo of that too) :

Rahul Gandhi's Afghan Girlfriend seducing him

Rahul Gandhi’s Afghan Girlfriend Seducing him

Don’t get the wrong impression that she’s very conservative Afghan woman, she’s quite modern in her outlook too. Here take a look at her with her friends going to college in Italy :

Rahul Gandhi's Afghan Princess fiance in Italy

Rahul Gandhi’s Afghan Princess fiance going to college in Italy

This is what this Afghan princess used to play with as a little girl :

What Rahul Gandhi's Fiance used to play with as a little girl

What Rahul Gandhi’s Fiance used to play with as a little girl

And finally, here is a family portrait of this Afghan girl :

 

Rahul Gandhi Fiance's  family

Rahul Gandhi Fiance’s family

Posted in Uncategorized | 21 Comments

When the Clown Prince was generally jobless in the US……..

During the ‘90s Rahul Gandhi was in the United States. He had failed in every field of study as he found any field of study to be difficult. He was just pretending to be studying there while the fact was that he was just drifting and killing time. Most of the following incidents happened during that period:

Rahul Gandhi decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. He mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Rahul Gandhi begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, he grabs for the horse’s mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse’s neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up his frail grip, he leaps away from the horse to try and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup. He is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground again and again. As his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

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Rahul Gandhi goes into work one morning at a petrol pump crying his eyes out. His boss, concerned about his employee’s well being, asks sympathetically, “What’s the matter?” Rahul Gandhi replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call from my brother-in-law saying that his father had committed suicide and passed away.” “I’m terribly sorry to hear that. Why don’t you go home for the day… we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.” Rahul Gandhi very calmly explains, “No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.” The boss agrees and allows Rahul Gandhi to work as usual. “If you need anything, just let me know,” he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Rahul Gandhi. He looks out over his office and sees Rahul Gandhi crying hysterically. He rushes out to him, and asks, “Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?” “No,” replies Rahul Gandhi, “I just got a call from my sister, Priyanka and she said that HER father-in-law committed suicide too!”

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Veronique Carlos, Columbian drug lord girlfriend of Rahul Gandhi took him to a football game for the first time. After the game she asked him how he liked the game. “Oh, I really liked it,” he said, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.” “What on earth do you mean???” “Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!

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One day Rahul Gandhi went out to check his mail box. There was nothing in it. His neighbour who was also out there gives him a weird look. An hour later he goes back out to his mailbox and goes back in ‘cause there was nothing in it and his neighbour goes “What the hell is he doing?” An hour later he goes back out side and looks in the mailbox and there is nothing in it. Finally the neighbour gets curious enough to ask him what he was doing. Rahul Gandhi says, “My stupid computer keeps saying you’ve got mail.”

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Rahul Gandhi was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for his ticket, she told Rahul Gandhi,”I’m sorry. Your ticket isn’t for first class. Could you please move to your seat.” Rahul Gandhi replied,”I’m a Gandhi, I’m young, and I’m going to New York.” The attendant said,”That’s fine mister, but you’ll have to go to your seat.” Rahul Gandhi responded again, ,”I’m a Gandhi, I’m young, and I’m going to New York.” This conversation continued, always with the Rahul Gandhi ‘s same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about Rahul Gandhi. The captain went and whispered something in Rahul Gandhi ‘s ear and Rahul Gandhi immeadiately got up and went to his seat in coach. The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn Rahul Gandhi to move. He said, “I just told him that this part of the plane wasn’t going to New York.”

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Uncle Quotrocci gifted Rahul Gandhi a brand new car and he decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his aunt (Sonia’s sister) to expect him in the evening. But he didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught aunt ran and asked him what happened? He got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, “These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”

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Rahul Gandhi and Varun Gandhi went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and Rahul Gandhi bet Varun Gandhi $50 that he wouldn’t jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so Rahul Gandhi gave Varun Gandhi $50. Varun Gandhi said, “I can’t take this, you’re my cousin.” But Rahul Gandhi insisted saying, “No. A bet’s a bet.” Then Varun Gandhi said “Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money.” Rahul Gandhi replied “Well, so did I, but I didn’t think he would jump again!”

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Rahul Gandhi got lost in his car in a snow storm. He remembered what his uncle Quotrocci had once told him. “If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.” Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and he started to follow it. He followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked him what he was doing. He explained that his uncle had told him if he ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart…”

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Rahul Gandhi suspects that his Columbian drug lord girlfriend is cheating on him, so he goes out and buys a gun. He goes to her apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when he opens the door, he finds his girlfriend in the arms of another man. He points the gun at her at stares her down for a moment. Then, suddenly, he’s overcome with grief, so he puts the gun up to the side his head. His girlfriend screams, “Honey, don’t do it…” Rahul Gandhi yells back, “Shut up! You’re next!”

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Rahul Gandhi walks into a hair salon to get his hair cut wearing headphones. The stylist asks him to take off his headphones but Rahul Gandhi refuses. So the stylist takes them off and Rahul Gandhi collapses to the ground and becomes unconscious. The stylist picks up the headphones and hears, “Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out…”

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Rahul Gandhi had applied at Harvard University using a lot of diplomatic influence. But still he didn’t make it past first round interview. Why?

The interviewer wanted to find out something about Rahul Gandhi’s personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?” Rahul Gandhi quickly responded, “The living one.”

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One morning Rahul Gandhi calls his friend and says, “Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought — I can’t figure out how to get started.” His friend asks, “What’s the puzzle of?” “From the picture on the box, I’d guess it’s a tiger,” replied Rahul Gandhi. The friend obliges, and when he arrives Rahul Gandhi greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to him and says, “I’m afraid that no matter what I do, I’m not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box.” “Why not?” asks the Rahul Gandhi. “Because, you didn’t buy a jigsaw puzzle… what you have here is a box of Tiger brand Corn Flakes.”

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A trucker stops at a red light and Rahul Gandhi catches up to him. He knocks on the window and says, “Hi, my name is Rahul Gandhi and you are losing some of your load.” The trucker just ignores him, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, Rahul Gandhi again catches up and says, “Hi, my name is Rahul Gandhi, and you are losing some of your load.” He ignores him again and continues down the street. At the next red light Rahul Gandhi catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, “Hi, my name is Rahul Gandhi and you are losing some of your load.” The trucker looks at him and finally he says, “Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s snowing, and I’m driving a salt truck.”

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Rahul Gandhi decides to attend a charity fund raiser program attended by only Congress party sycophants and their paid media. He was called down to answer questions to see if he could win Rs. 100,000. The first question was what is 10 plus 11? He hesitates and says, hm.. 5! The host says no I’m sorry that’s incorrect. All of Congie sycophants in the stadium chanted “Give him another chance, give him another chance!” So the host agrees and said, “ok how about 5 plus 5.” Rahul Gandhi answers and says 20. Again all the Congie sycophants chanted give him another chance, give him another chance. So the host agrees again and says, ok last chance, what is 2 plus 2. Rahul Gandhi says 4! and the audience says Give him another chance give him another chance!

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Rahul Gandhi came home from school one day and said to his mom, ”I can count higher than all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a Gandhi?” His mother replied, ”Of couse it is, dear.” The next day, Rahul Gandhi said, ”I can say the alphabet higher than anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a Gandhi?” His mother replied, ”Of course it is dear!” The next day Rahul Gandhi came home from his gymnastics and asked his mother, ”I have a larger chest than all the kids in my class, do you think it’s because I am a Gandhi?” His mother replied, ”No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old.”

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While in Las Vegas, Rahul Gandhi walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. Rahul Gandhi looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. He returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind Rahul Gandhi and watches his antics for a few minutes before stopping him and asking if someone else could have a go. Rahul Gandhi turns around and shouts, “Can’t you see I’m winning!”

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At a pharmacy, Rahul Gandhi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby he held in his arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant’s weight by weighing the father and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the father alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. “That won’t work,” countered Rahul Gandhi. “I’m not the father, I’m the uncle.”

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Rahul Gandhi comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that his house is on fire, so he calls the fire department on his cell phone. “Please state the nature of your emergency,” says the operator. “Help! My house is on fire!” Rahul Gandhi replies. “Okay, where do you live?” “In a house you silly billy!” Rahul Gandhi replies. “No,no! How do we get there?” the operator asks frustratedly. “Duh! Big Red Truck!!”

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A friend meets up with Rahul Gandhi as he is picking his car up from the mechanic. His friend asks, “Everything ok with your car now?” Rahul Gandhi replies, “Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.”

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After failing in everything else, Rahul Gandhi decided to try the job of a painter. A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found Rahul Gandhi painting the walls. He was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked Rahul Gandhi why he was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. Rahul Gandhi showed him the instructions on the tin, “For best results, put on two coats”.

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Rahul Gandhi was taking the tour of a national park not long ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area. Rahul Gandhi exclaimed, “Wow! I can’t believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!”

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Q: What’s the difference between Rahul Gandhi and a computer?

A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What’s the Rahul Gandhi ‘s cheer?

 A: ” I’m Gandhi, I’m Gandhi, I’m G.A.N.D….ah, oh well.. I’m Gandhi, I’m Gandhi, yea yea yea…”

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In a fancy Geneva restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear. One day, Chidu, Sibal and Rahul Gandhi happen to be in Geneva (Switzerland) as they had come to launder their black money. They enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. Sibal goes first. “I think I’m the smartest minister in the cabinet.” “POOF!” he disappears. Chidu goes up to try. “I think I’m the most capable HM India has had.” “POOF!” he disappears. Rahul Gandhi goes up. “I think–” “POOF!”

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And Back In India……………

Rahul Gandhi was really tired of being made fun of, so he decided to wear a mask so that he would look like Narendra Modi. When wearing the mask, he decided to take a drive in the country. After he had been driving for a while, he saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, “Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!” He got out and walked over to the farmer and said, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?” The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said he could have a try. Rahul Gandhi looked at the flock and guessed, “157.” The farmer was amazed – he was right! So Rahul Gandhi, (who looked like Narendra Modi), picked one out and got back into his car. Before he left, farmer walked up to him and said. “If I can guess which politician you really are, can I have my dog back?”

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The Clown Prince and his Sycophants

People of India rise up in revolt against the corrupt Congie government. An angry mob captures Chidu, Sibal and Rahul Gandhi. They decide to execute them using a firing squad. The guard brings Chidu forward and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly Chidu yells, ”EARTHQUAKE!!!” Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while he escapes. The guard brings Sibal forward and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He say no and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly Sibal yells, ”TORNADO!!!” Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while he escapes. By now Rahul Gandhi has it all figured out. The guard brings him forward and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!” and Rahul Gandhi yells, ”FIRE!!!”’

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Some Rahul Gandhi videos

Ever wondered why Rahul Gandhi is only barely better than an ‘anghuta chhap’? Check out his General Knowledge in his own words :

And this is what even kids in the country are talking:

Rahul Gandhi's General Knowledge less than an 8 year old's

Rahul Gandhi’s General Knowledge less than an 8 year old’s

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With such ‘high’ IQ and GK, it’s no wonder that noted Supreme Court lawyer and former Law Minister Ram Jethmalani calls him ‘good for nothing’ in a TV show :

Not just Jethmalani, just check out what kind of treatment students in Bihar meted out to him when he uttered some nonsense :

When his speech writers take a day off, this is how he forms his own sentences. According to Rahul, politics is in his pants!!

Rahul is not only dumb but also insensitive. Check out his reaction immediately after a terror attack. Again looks like his ghost writers had not prepared him for the situation; so he let out one of his own gems:

And finally a musical which suits him best:

Posted in Videos | Tagged | 1 Comment

More Rahul Gandhi Jokes!!!!! Enjoy in the UP Election Season!!

Rahul Gandhi (actually Raul Vinci to his immediate family and friends abroad) goes to the see Jurassic Park along with his Colombian girlfriend and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat.

His girlfriend asks him “What Raul? Are you afraid of the cinema?”

Rahul Gandhi replies “I am an intelligent man, I know it is a movie, but does that animal know?”

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Rahul Gandhi was touring UP in his ‘discovery of India’ trip. After posing for the cameras eating at a ‘Dalit’ home, he decided to visit the village school for more Kodak moments to be taken by the media cronies. He went to the class and declared that anybody can ask him questions.

One boy asked “How does a boat float?”

Rahul Gandhi thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, kid.”

The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, “How do fish breathe underwater?”

Once again Rahul Gandhi replied, “Don’t rightly know, kid.”

A little later the boy asked Rahul Gandhi, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, Rahul Gandhi replied, “Don’t rightly know, kid.”

Worried he was going to annoy this big man, he said, “Sir, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

Rahul Gandhi immediately assured him, “Of course not, kid. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”

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Rahul Gandhi was cutting side of capsule before taking it.
His Columbian girlfriend asked him why are you doing so ?
He replied :-”TO AVOID SIDE EFFECTS”….!!

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Before Rahul Gandhi ‘managed’ to get (or buy) a degree from LSE, he was the butt of jokes for his lack of education. So in a fit of anger to prove that he could compete with the best, he went to a job interview for a prestigious job. One common question was asked to all of them.

INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light

HARVARD Guy: It’s the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.

MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked

Rahul Gandhi: Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Rahul Gandhi’s reply, asked) “WHY”?

Rahul Gandhi: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!

By the way if you want to find out the ‘truth’ behind Rahul Gandhi’s MPhil, please read  this

 

Rahul Gandhi's Educational Qualification

Rahul Gandhi’s Educational Qualification… all LIES

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A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a party and his host, Rahul Gandhi, naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Rahul Gandhi asked “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’

Rahul Gandhi thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

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Rahul Gandhi was touring UP in his ‘discovery of India’ trip. After posing for the cameras at the school (see above), Rahul Gandhi wanted to pose near a humble eatery and went to eat in ramshackle hotel. To his surprise the owner who came to serve him happened to be one of his (supposed) classmates at LSE.

Rahul Gandhi called him and said ‘Aren’t you ashamed of working in a seedy joint like this? That too after ‘earning’ an MPhil from LSE?’

‘Not at all,’ replied the classmate. ‘I would be ashamed if I ate my meal here. I only run this place. If you had actually attended classes, you would have known that real scale lies at the bottom of the pyramid!!’

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When Rahul Gandhi was pretending to be studying abroad in the nineties, he received an invitation, to a party which said “Black Tie Only”!!

When he went to the party he was surprised to find the other invitees wearing trousers and shirts as well !!!!

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When Rahul Gandhi was pretending to be studying abroad in the nineties, he really got bored and decided to try the job as an airline steward. An airline captain was breaking him in. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the steward the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed Rahul Gandhi was missing. He knew which room he was in at the hotel and called him up wondering what happened to him. He answered the phone, sobbing, and said he couldn’t get out of his room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The Rahul Gandhi replied, “There are only three doors in here, “he cried,” one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

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Before Rahul Gandhi was put on private schooling, he was being sent to a reputed school in Delhi where all the kids used to make jokes about his dumbness. Well, one day Rahul Gandhi just got sick and tired of all the jokes. So one evening he went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the school the next day, some kid started telling a dumb Rahul Gandhi joke. Rahul interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

“I’ve had it up to here with these jokes about me. I want you to know that I went home last night and did something probably none of you could do…I memorized all the state capitals.”

One of the kids, of course, said “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Karnataka?”

“K”, Rahul Gandhi answered!

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In the nineties, Rahul Gandhi had given up all hopes of studies and career as he had failed in everything. His mother, Sonia Gandhi, suggested that her son follow her footsteps. She suggested that he try working as a waiter and see if he also got lucky just like her. So Raul joined a bar as a waiter.

“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender, as Rahul walked into the bar.

“It was awful,” Rahul explained. “I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.

“What did you do?” asked the bartender.

“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

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Q: How many Congress workers does Rahul Gandhi need to screw in a light bulb?

A: 100: Rahul to attempt it and the hundred to take blame if Rahul failed!!!!

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If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress.

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Q: Why was Rahul Gandhi disappointed at an invitation to Rotary club?

A: Somebody told him that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night!!!

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Q: Why do Rahul Gandhi and Diggy Singh hate the internet?

A: Because it has ‘RSS links’!!

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Q: Why would Lallu Yadav support Rahul Gandhi for Prime Minister post?

A: Rahul Gandhi has promised that he will declare Lallu as the national animal of India if he becomes PM!!

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When Rahul Gandhi was pretending to be studying abroad in the nineties, he tried many jobs and failed. One of his failed jobs was at a bakery. Here’s why:

A man wishes to observe his wife’s birthday by holding a party. So he goes to arrange a birthday cake to the bakery that Rahul Gandhi worked at.

Rahul Gandhi inquires him what message he prefers to use on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and tells: Let’s put, ‘you are not getting older you are getting better’.

Rahul Gandhi demands, ‘How do you wish me to set it up ? ‘

The man says, well put ‘You are not getting older’, at the top and ‘You are getting better’ at the bottom.

Why Rahul Gandhi was fired? When the cake was opened the entire party viewed the message decorated on the cake:

‘You are not getting older at the top; you are getting better at the bottom’.

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Rahul Gandhi was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.

Then he came to the column Salary Expected: He was not sure as to what to be filled there.

After much thought he wrote: YES.

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When Rahul Gandhi, Congerss’ PM candidate was pretending to be studying abroad in the nineties and one day he noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner of the bar. As he was getting up to talk to her.

Bartender : “Hey don’t worry about her, She is lesbian!”

Rahul Gandhi: “Lesbian or no lesbian, I get them all”

….and he stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table. Then leaping forward in a very sexy voice he says.

“Honey where exactly in Lesbia, you from?”

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Rahul Gandhi was sitting with Lallu Yadav when Mayawati came to Lallu’s house with a goat.

Lallu: Bhaiswa ko kyon layi ho?

Maya: Dikhta nahin goatwa hai?

Lallu: Hum goatwa se hi to pooch raha hoon.

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Rahul Gandhi along with Robert Vadra went to the US to visit a Senator in US. When the senator invited them home for dinner, the RG and RV were very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings. RG asked “How can you afford all this on a meagre senator’s salary?”

The senator smiled knowingly and took them to the window.

“Can you see the river?”

“Yes”

“Can you see the bridge over it?”

“Of course”, said Robert.

“10 percent”, said the senator smugly.

Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. RG and Robert lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace Robert had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc. etc.

“How can you possibly afford this, without even being a minister?”, he asked.

Then Robert Vadra called him to the window.

“See the river over there?”

“Sure”, cried the senator.

“Can you see the bridge over it?”

The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said -

“No, I don’t see any bridge.”

“100 percent”, said the Robert Vadra !!

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During UP election campaigning, both Rahul Gandhi and Varun Gandhi were staying in the same village. RG was staying in a Congress supporter’s house while VG was staying in a BJP supporter’s house next door. The BJP supporter owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen’s eggs for breakfast.

That day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Congress supporter’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Rahul Gandhi pick up the egg. The BJP supporter ran up to Rahul Gandhi and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Rahul Gandhi disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally Varun Gandhi interfered and said, “In RSS, we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.”

Rahul Gandhi agreed to this and so Varun Gandhi found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward Rahul Gandhi and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. Rahul Gandhi fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually Rahul Gandhi stood up and said, “Now it’s my turn to kick you.”

Varun Gandhi said, “Keep the damn egg!”

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A Rahul Gandhi with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang – but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.”

“Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

“But what happened to your other ear?”

“The scoundrel called back.”

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Once Rahul Gandhi was travelling in a train on one of his ‘discover India in your 40’s ’ trip. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the Rahul Gandhi deserved more service. So, when Rahul Gandhi fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, Rahul Gandhi was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his mother Sonia ” What’s the matter?” Replied he “The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else”.

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On Diggy Singh’s advice, Rahul Gandhi and Robert Vadra wanted to place a bomb in Malegaon, so that they can get PC to implicate RSS for it. They had to place a time bomb in order to explode a building. So they were going on their destination in a car. On their way Rahul Gandhi asked Robert Vadra, ” Robert, what will happen if the time bomb explodes in this car itself.”

Robert Vadra replied “Don’t worry, I have a spare one”!!!!!

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How can Rahul Gandhi kill a LION?

Rahul Gandhi thinks & thinks hard… & comes to a conclusion:

“I’ll drink POISON… & let the LION eat ME”

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Rahul Gandhi proposed to his Columbian drug lord girlfriend. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.

He sets off to Africa and disappears.

Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one.

He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims “71st and *AGAIN* barefooted!”

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Rahul Gandhi sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing

The bystander says:  A Marathon race is going on

Rahul Gandhi: What do they get from that?

Bystander : The winner will get a prize

Rahul Gandhi: Then why are the others running?!

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Rahul Gandhi Jokes

Rahul Gandhi with his Colombian girlfriend

Rahul Gandhi with his Colombian girlfriend

Rahul Gandhi (aka Raul Vinci) was courting Junaita (aka Veronique Carloz). The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl’s house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Carloz. One night he couldn”t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, “What’s that young fella doin’ here all hours of the night?” “Why, Dad, ” said Junaita, ” Rahul was just telling me everything that’s in his heart!” “Well, next time, ” roared the old man, “just let him tell you what’s in his head, and it won’t take half as long!”

 

Q: How do you confuse Rahul Gandhi?
A: You don’t. He is born that way.

 

Between 1990 and 2000, Rahul Gandhi was desperately trying to get some sort of Vilayti college degree but failing in all tests. Here’s an inkling as to why.

NASA was conducting a survey to gather public interest in research on different planets. Thinking that volunteering for the NASA survey would impress his college professors, RG volunteered. The query was : Which planet would you like to travel to if NASA were to arrange an all expenses paid trip? Rahul Gandhi thought long and hard………………………………………. and finally said………………………………… ‘sun’!! Puzzled as they were, the surveyors asked him “Don’t you know that you’ll burn to death if you go anywhere near the sun?” Our man Rahul Gandhi shot back “Are you guys dumb? I’ll go in the night”.!! (BTW, till date he’s not got any degree. Are we to be surprised?)

 

Q: Why does Rahul Gandhi drive a BMW?
A: Cuz he can spell it…

 

During the nineties when Rahul Gandhi was generally jobless and had failed to get any college degree, he decided to try out getting a nursing degree at least. But he got thrown out of the nursing college on day one!! Any guesses why?? …………………………… He was found to be carrying a RED marker with him. When asked by his professor why he needed it………….. our Yuvraaj replied “In case I need to draw blood”!!!!

 

Q: How do you know that a fax came from Rahul Gandhi?
A: There is a stamp on it.

 

Rahul Gandhi was once holidaying in US with his Colombian (drug lord) girlfriend Junaita (aka Veronique Carloz), they witness a terrible accident on an isolated freeway in which a man was profusely wounded. Junaita went to check on the injured man and asked RG to drive up to nearest phone booth and call nine-eleven. For a very long time, no ambulance arrived and the poor man died. After all this RG returned back and Junaita asked him ‘Didn’t you find any phone booth?” RG said “I went to at least 5 booths, all phones have a ‘9’ key but none of them have a ‘11’ key. How could I call nine-eleven?”

 

During the nineties when Rahul Gandhi was generally jobless in US, he decided to visit Disneyland. He was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said “DISNEYLAND LEFT”.
After thinking for a minute, he said to himself “oh well !” and turned around and drove home.
On his way home Rahul Gandhi drove past another sign that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES”.
By the time he drove eight miles, he had cleaned 43 restrooms!!

 

Q: What does Rahul Gandhi say when you ask him if his blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

 

Desperate to get some academic achievement before returning to India and joining politics, Rahul Gandhi decided to do research and invent something. After using a lot of influence, Sonia was able to get him a guide from MIT. The guide told RG to think of what he wants to research and invent and come up with a list as proposal. But our dude RG was thrown out the moment he submitted his proposal list: he wanted to invent the following :  solar flashlight, Left handed pencil, Black highlighter, Waterproof tea bags and Braille driving manual !!

Rahul Gandhi the dumbo

Rahul Gandhi the dumbo

Q: What does Rahul Gandhi and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

 

During the nineties when Rahul Gandhi was generally jobless in US, he decided to learn para-jumping. On the first day of training for parachute jumping, he  listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. Then RG asked,

“How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

After pondering his answer, RG asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

 

Q: Why does Rahul Gandhi love lightning?
A: He reckons somebody is taking his photo.

 

During the nineties when Rahul Gandhi was generally jobless in US, Rahul Gandhi wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

RG said, “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told him that the paint and ladders he would need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “He should. He was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, Rahul Gandhi came to the door to collect his money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,”  Rahul Gandhi answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,”  Rahul Gandhi added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

 

Q: Why couldn’t Rahul Gandhi manage to make Ice-Cubes?

A: He couldn’t find the recipe.

 

During the nineties when Rahul Gandhi was generally jobless in US, he was in a plane flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

“Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

Rahul Gandhi exclaimed to his neighbour, “Wow! It just missed the highway!”

 

Q: What does Star Trek’s Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on Rahul Gandhi?
A: Space. The final frontier……….

Rahul Gandhi goes to a football game and finds his place in the bleachers. After a while, someone far behind him yells, “Hey, George.” Rahul Gandhi gets up and scans the crowd behind him. Not seeing anyone he recognizes, he sits down. Sometime later, someone yells again, “Hey, George.” Rahul Gandhi gets up again and looks around. Seeing no one he knows, he sits down.

A third time someone yells, “Hey, George.”

Finally Rahul Gandhi gets up, turns around and yells back, “Knock it off! My name’s not George.”

Q: What is the difference between UFOs and Rahul Gandhi’s views on economy?
A: There have been reported sightings of UFOs.

 

Rahul Gandhi was really dumb as a kid (too). In school, he sat next to a really smart student and the teacher knew he was cheating on tests, but she could never prove it, until one day. As she corrected the tests, the teacher saw that the really smart kid had answered a question, “I don’t know.” Rahul Gandhi had answered that question. “I don’t either.”

 

Q: What did Rahul Gandhi do when he missed the 66 Bus?
A: He took the 33 bus twice instead.

 

Rahul Gandhi was standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. Varun Gandhi walked by and asked him what he was doing. “I am supposed to measure the height of this flagpole,” said Rahul Gandhi, “but I don’t have a ladder.” Varun Gandhi took a wrench from his bag and loosened some bolts Rahul Gandhi helped him lay down the flagpole. Then Varun Gandhi got a tape measure his bag, took a measurement and said, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away. Rahul Gandhi shook his head and laughed. “Isn’t that just like a Sangh Parivar -wala? I ask for the height and he gives me the length!”

 

Q: What do you see when you look directly into Rahul Gandhi’s eyes?
A: The back of his head.

 

In the nineties when Rahul Gandhi was pretending to be studying abroad, he got real bored and decided to take up the job of mechanic in a car dealership. A couple bought a car and had the dealership add a few upgrades to it. When they returned to pick up their car, they were told that the keys had been locked inside. Going to the service area, they found the mechanic, who was Rahul Gandhi, feverishly working to open the driver’s side door. The woman instinctively tried the passenger side door, only to find it was unlocked. She said, “Hey, it’s open!”

Rahul Gandhi replied, “I know. I already got that side.”

 

Q : Why did Rahul Gandhi take 17 of his friends to a movie?

A : The movie poster read ‘not under 18’!!

 

Do you know why Rahul Gandhi was all excited because he finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months? The box said, “2-4 years.”

 

Q: Why does Sonia Gandhi write TGIF on Rahul Gandhi’s shoes?
A: To remind him that Toes Go In First.

 

In the nineties when Rahul Gandhi was pretending to be studying abroad, he got real bored and decided to take up the job as a data entry operator. During his company’s periodic password audit, Rahul Gandhi was found to be using this password:

GoofyHueyLouieDeweyDaisyDonaldMickeyMinnieDelhi

When he was asked why he had such a long password, RG said, “The boss said that my password had to be at least eight characters long and have at least one capital.”

 

Q: Why did Rahul Gandhi stare at the frozen orange juice?

A: Because it said “concentrate.”

 

Q: Why did Rahul Gandhi tell his girlfriend under no circumstances would he have more than three children?

A: Because he heard that 1 out of 4 children born in the world is Chinese.

 

Q: What do you get when you offer Rahul Gandhi a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

 

Q: How do you describe Rahul Gandhi, surrounded by drooling idiots (Burqa Dutt, Sagarika Goose etc)?
A: Flattered.

 

Q: What do you call Rahul Gandhi in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

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